By Alex, Faces of Hope Advocate Intern
Witnessing a friend in an abusive relationship can be heartbreaking, as well as overwhelming. It can often put you in a position where you feel helpless; however, there are steps you can take to offer support. It is important to recognize that you cannot make decisions for your friends or change their actions. What you CAN do is offer them a judgment-free space to express their emotions where they feel safe to do so.
Remember, abuse can take many forms in different relationships, including physical, sexual, emotional, financial, and psychological abuse. More on the types of abuse here.
HOW TO HELP:
Gently Begin the Conversation
Abuse can be a challenging topic to talk about with friends, which is why it’s important to ease into the conversation. You can start by asking them questions such as “How are you doing?” or “How are you feeling today?” It is also possible that they will open up about the abuse on their own. However, if they do not bring it up on their own, you can mention your concern to them calmly and respectfully. For example, “I noticed the way he told you to shut up and rolled his eyes at you. Does that happen a lot?” To respect their privacy and safety it is important to have these types of conversations in a private setting.
Do Not Blame the Victim
It is important to never make the victim feel like the abuse they’re experiencing is their fault or that they caused it in any way. You must also be cautious of the word “victim,” as it may be hard for a person to see themself associated with the word. If they say that the abuse is their fault you can reassure them that it is not. Another word to avoid is “what,” as in “What were you doing when they got angry?” which can become victim blaming even with the best intentions. Try ‘how come” when you want to know more.
Be Supportive
Just being there and offering support can oftentimes be what people going through an abusive relationship want the most. It is important to understand that support can look different in each scenario. Let your friend know that you are open to sitting and listening to whatever they need to get off their chest. You can say “Do you want advice, or do you just want to vent?” Talking through what is happening can be extremely helpful for someone who is having trouble acknowledging their situation. It is great to reassure them that they are not alone and you will stand by them no matter what. You can offer to hold their hand when they make a call to a victim center like Faces of Hope or offer to drive them.
Do Not Preach to Your Friend
People can shut down if they feel someone is preaching to them about their life. It can also make them less likely to turn to you for help in the future if they're in a dangerous situation. One important thing to remember: be cautious of your tone. Try to avoid using phrases such as “You should file a police report” or “You must leave her tonight.” Avoiding accusatory tones and “you” statements can go a long way in making someone feel as though they are not being judged. Give them back the power their abuser has taken by letting them know their options and asking what they would like you to do.
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, Faces of Hope is here. Walk into either location M-F or give us a call at 208-986-4357 to get started.
Resources:
- https://www.thehotline.org/support-others/
- https://www.northwestern.edu/care/community/friends/help-a-friend-in-an-abusive-relationship.html
